Frustration

Ugh! And argh! I am so frustrated with being pregnant and on partial bedrest.

Everytime Alan's mom comes to visit, I complain about the arrival time. She always says she is coming early. So I keep Ander up to visit with Grandma. Then, she shows up late, because she stops to eat/shop/whatever. (I'd stop to eat and shop, too, BTW. I just need her to tell me, on the front end, "I'll be there in the late afternoon" or whatever.) Inevidentably (sp?), she shows up right as I am giving up and about to put Ander down for a nap. Just in time to keep him awake, of course. So I either have to listen to him whine later (from missing his nap) or force him to go to nap right as he gets excited because Grandma is here.

This time, I said I would be working Friday and she could come on Friday afternoon. Of course, bedrest happened so I'm not working. So Alan asked if she could come earlier. I am at the point of breakdown exhaustion. Last night, I contracted all night. I'm emotionally and physically exhasuted. I haven't slept more than 6 hours in days, except for a couple of daytime naps. Ander was with my mom Tuesday and Wednesday, and Doris and my cousin took care of him (and me...thanks Doris) at my house yesterday, but I still really needed someone to care for him today. However, I did not make arrangements, because MIL was coming.

I said that earlier would be fine, as long as it wasn't during Ander's nap. Morning with Ander is really the worse part. I have to feed both of us breakfast. Change his clothes and diaper. Put on a movie for him. Help him with a million little requests. Take my blood sugar twice. Take my morning meds. Get dressed and brush my teeth. It isn't anything stenuous - unless you are supposed to be resting and you are contracting instead. But no biggy, because MIL would be here soon to help out.

(Aside - I've never seen her change a diaper or make Ander a meal or anything, so I'm not sure the level of help I can expect. She really doesn't even play with him much. Perhaps my expectations are too high. Sigh.)

Alan tells me last night that his mom said she might come down earlier. MIGHT?!? I need to know. If she isn't coming, I really do need help. Today, it's that she'll be here at lunchtime, maybe. Right before nap, again. ARGH!!! So I'm stuck taking care of Ander during peak time again (7 a.m. - 12:30 p.m.) and no help and I'm feeling like crap.

At work, I've been busy continuing all of my court dates. Because of that, I have no time to work on my actual cases. Plus, tons of new clients are calling, but I have no time to respond, because I'm busy just trying not to get to the point of labor or passing out.

Also frustrating (while I'm on a roll)...my sister called me yesterday to ask if she could pick up some groceries for us while she was at the grocery store near our house. Great. Except my husband wanted to just swing by the grocery store on Saturday instead. I can't even fathom a reason. He's already planning to go to Babies 'R Us with his mom on Saturday, and to cook, and if you add a grocery trip, that means I'm sitting alone all day AGAIN. In addition to the loneliness, which is oppressive at this point (remember, when my husband gets home, he is so busy doing dishes and laundry and cooking and caring for Ander and everything that he doesn't really get to visit with me), it means more doing for myself. At this point, I'm making most of my own meals. Getting up and down to refill water, take meds, answer the phone, and do all the other things a person has to take care of. I'm not resting. I'm just, well, at home and not at work. A whole day alone Saturday is not in the plans. I ignored hubby's wishes and told sister yes.

I know Alan is focused on getting things accomplished. Groceries, laundry...these things are not negotiable. They must be done. But I also have to rest, take meds, change clothes everyday, and eat. Those things must get done, too. And I can't rest and do all the rest of it. I feel like I am not doing my job of keeping the baby in, and like I can't do my job of keeping the baby in, without actually having hubby around more.

Also, I was in tears with Alan argued that he would only shop for a minute with his mom. His mom went to Target with us after Ander was born, "just for a minute," and I ended up on bedrest and then in the hospital, separated from my new baby. The first time I had serious contractions this pregnancy, it was shopping with his mom. She (and Alan) took their time and finished shopping before bringing me home...and left me alone to care for Ander while contracting. No, she went further than leaving me alone. She took Ande rout of the buggy, near the parking lot traffic, and sent him to "go find mommy," while I was bent over contracting. Nothing about their history tells me that either one will think about me and the baby and our well-being while shopping. Alan's mind is just too one-track, goal-oriented. Plus, he truly doesn't seem to realize, through his own exhaustion, how tired and out of energy and poorly off I am. And his mom, for all her well-meaning words, doesn't even stop for a second to realize how delicate the situation is with me or to think to help in any way.

I usually don't blog about such stuff, I know. But I need to deal with this somehow and there's no one around to talk to. I'm hungry, and a gestational diabetic pregnant woman, so I should get up and eat breakfast, but I'm so exhausted...I don't know how I'll find the energy. I'm losing weight again, and I know that's NOT okay at this point in pregnancy.

Could I possibly bitch anymore?

Etctera.